Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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