We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
