I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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