I wish I could teleport
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
