he puts the penis in happiness.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pants are for mortals
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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