Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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