bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
