I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
