I need to stop coming to work sober
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I stole a fireplace last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
