oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
