I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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