I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
