it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
