Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
