you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
