I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
