I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
