i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
