my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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