distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
