please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He shit in the fireplace
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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