You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
