Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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