i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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