I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
