dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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