We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
