The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
