All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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