I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
