I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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