Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
