my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
