The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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