just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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