eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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