Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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