I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
