drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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