I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
