u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
