remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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