So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
