What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
