I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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