Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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