Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
