I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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