You made me cry and you don't even care
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
