Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The air was thick with penises
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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