My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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