A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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