It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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