I heard we made out
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
