from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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