At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
